News from the Leader of RMBC.

Freedom of Speech is now compulsory.
From 1st June 2015 it will be illegal to:
Speak out against freedom of speech
Not exercise your freedom of speech
Speak freely about prohibited subjects *
Confused? Let us help………. Our trained council workers keep you under constant surveillance so they know what kind of person you are and the kinds of decisions you are likely to make. This means they are qualified to exercise your freedoms on your behalf. If you decline council assistance you risk having your freedoms reduced or removed completely.
*A partial list of freedom of speech exceptions.*                                                                   Child Sexual Exploitation. Taxi Licensing. Councillors Expenses. The Local Development Plan. People of Pakistani Heritage. UKIP. The Labour Party. The Leader of the Council. The Monitoring Officer. Ed Miliband. The Weather. Rotherham United.                              Any Person (s) heard talking about these prohibited subjects will be classed as an Enemy of The People and exiled to Shitterton *                                                                                  (*Shitterton is a hamlet in Dorset)                                                                                         These new measures are necessary to protect the inclusive multi cultural and multi ethnic diversity of Rotherham and to empower all residents to grass on their neighbours.

Rotherham is a town in Yorkshire that has not progressed much beyond 1979. Instead, the entire decade of the 1970s loops ad infinitum. Here in Rotherham, pagan rituals blend seamlessly with science; hauntology is a compulsory subject at school, and everyone must be in bed by 8pm because they are perpetually running a slight fever. “Visit Rotherham today. Our number one priority is keeping rabies at bay.” For more information please re-read.
Emergency Telephone Number. 017098 731 etc.etc.
We care about lives*
*See if you’re on the list of lives we care about.                                                                      Anyone not on the list must register by writing to the address above.
In 1987, Rotherham Council was disconcerted to learn that poor citizens and immigrants had figured out how to call the emergency services.
The council quickly launched a new number, which it claimed would better handle the increasing volume of emergency calls, and after three years the government proudly announced a significant decrease in emergency calls overall.
However, the telephone number (when it was finally identified) was traced to an answering machine in an industrial estate portacabin, which was completely deserted.
When questioned about the unattended service, a council spokesman stated that the intention was to “empower average and below-average people by enabling them to find their own solutions to problems which are probably the result of their own negligent actions in the first place.”
Fully-working emergency services, which were of course funded by the taxpayer and the sale of undesirables to mediocre countries, were still available, but only to a select group of invited people, many of whom were banking and corporate magnates, as well as councillors, their friends, families and pets.
Emergencies most often reported included: strain brought on by carrying a twelve pack of beer home and helping to search for the TV remote control because the caller was unable to reach the television from the bed to change channels.

To make sure all Rotherham children were reasonably healthy in the late 1970s, vaccine injections increased to 9 times daily with 12 on Sundays and public holidays. While children raised in Rotherham’s stationery and office-supply cult looked forward to their inoculations against pernicious diseases such as rabies, tetanus and altruism, heretical children were prone to rebel. Parents had to be cunning and find new ways of ensuring that their children, and the children they had borrowed without permission, honoured their legally-binding medical obligations.
Parents worked closely with the Notional Health Service and confectionery manufacturers to create booby-trapped items, such as ice-creams, Christmas puddings and Easter eggs. Hidden inside each sugary treat was a spring-loaded hypodermic needle primed to deliver its medicinal load.
Unfortunately, the scheme backfired. A vaccine works by exposing the patient to a small dose of the virus or disease, but the NHS had not taken into account the greed of Rotherham children, who were eating so many sweets that they not only developed full-blown diseases such as rabies, but they were also becoming too large to fit comfortably in bus shelters.

Going forward the council will take a holistic cradle-to-grave approach . Our differentiating value-added strategy is transformational change which will help us to authoritatively disseminate performance based information.                                                 There will be be further announcements in the coming months as your caring council seeks to improve your quality of life, protect our diverse cultures and the environment and  invent introduce new ideas to improve our cash flow and competently synergize strategic methods of empowerment.                                                                                                                 You Know It Makes Sense.

 

 

 

 

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One Response to News from the Leader of RMBC.

  1. Insider. says:

    Love it!
    This is probably the sort of thing RMBC would publish if the Labour party had unfettered control of the council and the management speak is spot on.
    You’d need a serious humour bypass not to appreciate this article.

    Like

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